So...I dyed my hair black. "So black, it's blue" type color. At least, that's what it said on the box. And I thought, since this is a once-in-a-lifetime event, maybe I'll share this with the rest of the world. So there it is. I dyed my hair black.

Well, my junior year is off to a good start. I've got excellent suitemates and a awesome roommate (who's way of showing affection or saying "you rock" is to mention how she's going to kill me). My new dorm room may be smaller and the shower isn't...full person size, but it's do-able. And well, it could be worse - like a community bathroom *shudders*. So, here's a to a good year *crosses fingers*

Halloween is coming up - Samhain to us pagans. That's right, I'm on my way to pledging myself a true-blue wiccan. I realize that I have more belief in the power of nature and the healing qualities it provides us than the so-called "benevolent" God who watches over us. *rolls eyes*

This does not mean that I'm disrespecting the Catholics or anybody who calls themself a Christian - I just don't have any more faith in the religion or the church.

Well, that's about it. Here's to hoping my hair looks good in the daylight and just in general. Here's to hoping that my junior year will still be awesome. Here's to hoping that I will go to London my last semester senior year. Here's to hoping that I'll make it into graduate school, pay off my loans, and make every single dream I have come true. Here's to hoping that good things will happen for my family, my friends, and for myself. And here's to hoping for an extra special Hallow's Eve.

So I spent my entire birthday at, guess where?...That's correct! I spent it at home. *sigh* And while I'm thankful that some people managed to take time out of their day and say a wish for me, I'm upset with my two closest guy friends. The eldest of us hasn't spoken to me since I went away for Greece (which was fabulous btw; I want to actually move there)but he didn't even say a happy birthday or try to talk to me since I got home. And the other one, the youngest of us, hasn't spoken to me or the elder one in six months, didn't bother to say a bon voyage to me, happy birthday, or ask about my trip. Nothing. From. Either. Of. Them.

So. Because of these developments, I've come to the conclusion that not only are boys stupid, but that they're actually next in kin of sheep. Yes, sheep. Because even dogs have more brains than boys. Ex: they obey simple commands. I rest my case.

Oh, and not only that, but the eldest of us (yes, we're back to him) thought only to talk to me last night (while I was out eating) just to ask me if I wanted to hang out with him and the youngest one today. Nevermind it's taken an entire week for me to get over jet lag and adopting American Eastern times again. Nevermind he's HAD an entire week to talk to me or ask me to hang with him and the idiot younger one.

And do I know their schedule? No. Because last I heard neither one of them had jobs. Last I heard, neither one of them was going to be doing much this summer other than loafing around. And do I get updates or anything? No.

And sure, communication should work both ways. But hell, I'd think that when someone comes home from being across the world or is celebrating their one and only 20TH birthday, the friends would call. *shrugs* Maybe I just live in a sane world with crazy rules and customs.

(side note: I feel old. The hands of my clock are turning faster now *sigh*.)

Anyways, I'm done ranting now. I apologize for the not-so-great journal entry. It's been a while everyone. How ya'll doing?

Man, I can't believe I'm going to be a junior in college this upcoming September. And now I have to start looking for scholarships and graduate schools next summer since I changed my major *sigh*. The future is so scary now. Mostly because I can actually see it now. In my head anyways. (That's another subject entirely.)

But yeah, I had my first trip to Europe at the end of May and I can honestly say: it's my kind of continent. lol.

I honestly could live in Europe for a couple of years. Maybe even forever.

And Greece *sigh*. Are there truly any words to describe it? Really? 'Cause if so, please try. I can guarentee you that each word or synonym won't come close to the real thing. Luckily for me though, I took a lot of pictures...A LOT of pictures. Which have to be uploaded to the computer...which of course takes time because I have a crappy Dell Inspiron Notebook E1505 laptop. (Again, another subject entirely.)

But alas good people. I shall not bore you with other details of my life. But on a side note: I've become obsessed with Ouran High School Host Club. Anime included. That is all.

<3 to my devoted fans and readers.

It's difficult to say how I feel. I'm not very expressive - except perhaps for my art and my writing. I can laugh and smile easily. Cry and be sad and angry well enough like any other human. My emotions are not any more different then anybody else's. I can even share facts about my past fairly well...although, some facts are best reserved for those who are closest to me.

Yet I find myself with issues of trust and belief. I have no confidence in myself and my self-esteem is rather low - as it always has been since the days of my childhood. I'm very insecure and always so afraid. I often feel that I'm not smart enough, not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not interesting enough...etc, etc. In simple terms, just not enough. For anybody.

My school work is suffering, my grades could definitely be better, and my overall knowledge feels incompetent and childish. I see people all around me learning millions of things every day and I feel that I am stuck in one place, watching everybody go by me towards some destination that I can't begin to comprehend or see. Perhaps it's because they all have ambitions and I have yet to figure out what to do with my life. Though, for a reason I cannot name, I often find myself thinking that my knowledge is limited because my vocabulary of the English language is limited as well - what a strange thought.

more for later...I have to refocus my thoughts...

I don't understand what it is that my friend wants from me. I tell him I feel nothing for my ex and he scoffs and says "Right." Why is it so hard to believe? And he doesn't blame him for backstabbing him, me, and all of our friends?

I feel nothing for my ex because he left me. He walked out on me and instead went for his best friend's ex-girl friend, whom he knew he was trying to win back. And yet my friend says it's just because of habit and he doesn't blame him. I say that's utter crap. Of course it's his fault. He knew what he was doing, he knows the difference between right and wrong, he knew what consequences his actions would cause in the long run...yet he went ahead and shattered a true friendship, went ahead and broke my heart when all I had done was loved him, severed all ties...he did all this. Yes, he is a coward by nature and is such an insecure creature, that it consumes. His newly acquired alcoholism just deepens that proof. Habits can be broken, natures can be changed because nature itself is change and evolution. And yet he is not to blame for all of the pain and destruction he helped to create...well, I scoff upon that. "Right."

How could he do that to me? What had I done? So many times I feel these questions burning within me. He made me feel like I was a bad person, like I was unworthy of being loved, that I was something hideous and grotesque because he left me for another. My self-esteem plummeted, my confidence suffered, and my heart...

Everything about me has altered since that time. When I thought something so horrible as a deep betrayal would never happen between myself and my group of friends. That surely, we would all always be together. But I was wrong, and now, almost a year later, I've only spoken to him once.

He doesn't care about me. He hasn't bothered to ask how I am, how I've been, what I've been up to...if I've been hurt, sick, injured...what my emotions are like. He doesn't care. And truth be told, I don't care about him either. I found out he caught mono from his girlfriend (my ex-best friend) and I laughed. Because I know that he's probably moaning and wailing like child, acting like he's on his death bed when in all likely hood, he's probably just really tired and feeling a bit sick. Mono is a serious infection, don't get me wrong, but I doubt they contracted it like my friend Eric did once in fourth grade.

He used me and then he threw me away. Like I was nothing more than trash that he had to put up with for ten months and then suddenly, she was free and it was "la, la, la, we can be together at last! we're so perfect for each other!" Yeah sure, only 20 and only one of them has been outside of the U.S.. That makes a whole lot of sense.

But I carry bitterness within my heart and it makes me want to cry. I can feel a thick, icy wall around my heart and I don't understand how it got to be there. I want to break it down, I want to be free. But I'm not. And I don't know how to break down this wall. I used to be...so good at expressing myself. Letting my emotions flow freely. But now it's so hard. And I don't understand. I don't trust easily. Have I changed so drastically? Has bitterness and anger taken control of my heart and allowed no one in?

I'm so afraid of being hurt...physically or otherwise. I say I want to stop living in fear, but I do so every day. And I don't know how to break this vicious cycle of living in fear. I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to be bitter or angry.

I don't hate the boy. I don't wish him ill. But I don't wish him happiness. My friend asked me if I found solace, comfort...The truth is, I don't take comfort in a lot of things. He doesn't understand how I can just let my aggressions fester when I feel angry or sad. Truth is, I don't know how I can do that either. I've been told that it takes a great strength to show your heart and how you really feel...If that's true, then why am I so weak? Why can't I wear my heart on my arm anymore? Why don't I trust myself? I hate who I've become.

There's a world of hurt that exists inside of me. I don't know how to feel but this beating organ in my chest beats with pain.

I don't know who I am. I feel so lost...so confused...so alone.

For so long, I've had low self-esteem issues that I've pushed away for so many years...until last night. I went to the mall with my roommate and suite-mate and every time I looked in the mirrors, I saw a disgusting, fat blob of a human being. A woman, in another store, looked me in the face and then up and down. She looked at me like I was nothing more than a two-bit whore. All because of a little eyeliner and mascara. I decided not to go into the third to last store...I didn't want to go in and see the small, tight fitting clothes and the skinny girls who were able to try them on without complaint. So I stood outside and when my two companions asked why, I told them my feet hurt (which they did because flats hurt my feet for some reason) and I didn't want to walk anymore. They looked at me like I had ruined their night.

I guess I have some trust issues...I can tell people information easily. Like...my ex-boyfriend treated me like crap and made me out to be a bitch to everyone he could tell the story to and then he left me for my ex-best friend. That's easy enough to tell. And people rightfully assume that I was hurt. But they don't know how hurt I was...or how vulnerable that made me. I cried for two months. Ate nothing for one month out of the two and barely slept for the nightmares that plagued me. I shook so hard with pain that I could barely type on my computer, even just to check on e-mail or facebook. I couldn't do anything but feel hurt and anguish. He had devastated me. I believed in him so much...but he had never believed in me. Never placed his faith in me. And then he left me for another. Why wasn't I enough? Why doesn't anyone want me? Why? Why had he done this to me? Why did he say he loved me when he never meant it in the first place?

I can't share my feelings so easily with people...why, I don't know. I keep everything bottled up and put on a smile and make it through the motions of the day. Even when it hurts so much that I just want to be alone and cry. Even when I just want to sit in the dark and keep the blinds closed. But I wish...I wish at least one person wouldn't give up when I say "I'm fine." I wish one person would push and push and push me until I burst. I wish one person would just back me into a corner or a wall and not let me go until I told or either clawed their eyes out. I wish there there was just one person wouldn't give up on me.

I hate myself. I hate my face. I hate my body. I hate the person I'm becoming. I hate that I don't know who I am. I hate that I push people away for no reason. I hate that I'm so weak. I hate that I'm such a selfish person...because it makes me feel like I'm the most horrible person on the face of the earth. I hate that I'm hypocrite. I hate that I'm vain sometimes. I hate how most guys just make me out to be a really good friend instead of something more. I hate that I'm not social. I hate that I'm awkward. I hate that I'm lazy and a procrastinator. I hate how people say it's possible to change when it's so much harder then they say. I hate how I feel abandoned most of the time. I hate how that I think that my dreams will never come true. I hate that I was told all my life that I need to protect myself. I hate how sheltered I've been all my life. I hate how I can't do things that a teenager or young adult should be able to do if they had the financial means to do so. I hate how I feel that something bad should always be happening to me.

I hate how I'm always afraid of simple things. I don't take risks. I don't break rules. I'm a safe person. Because I'm so afraid to live. Really live. I'm afraid of life, love, sex. I don't fear death because I've so many of my family members die since I was a little girl. I hate that I'm afraid of being on my own in the world. I hate that I'm afraid of going out by myself to an exotic place that I've been dying to go to since the beginning of the year.

I hate how my suite-mate said to me yesterday that I should get laid and when I told her about how it was with my ex, she told me that I shouldn't base that experience on my outlook.

I now know what it means to be wild. Being wild means expressing yourself to the full while retaining that mystery - that mystery of somehow holding the key to being truly free. Being fully passionate and giving your all into something. Never giving up. And being strong enough to pick yourself up, no matter how many times you get knocked down. I wish with everything I am that I was like that. Instead I hold in my hurt, I push back my tears, I remain silent, I give up because of my lack of patience, and I feel sorry for myself. I'm always looking for other people to give me a boost to pick myself up...but I can't do that anymore.

I hate that my lack of experiences in the "adult world," make me such a child. By adult world, I mean getting laid, going out and drinking, going to clubs, raves, smoking...Are these qualities that say I'm really living life? Are these the qualities that will truly make me an adult? Why does my generation think that by losing control of their bodies and minds that it somehow makes them cool or more responsible? Because they know their limits with these drugs and yet get drunk or high anyway? I don't understand.

I seriously hate my body. only y ex-boyfriend found me sexy or beautiful. But I guess that those words were only lies. That all he wanted was just to get laid. I hate my short torso and how big my bones are. I hate how I'm not toned at all. I hate how I'm not skinny as attractive girls should be. Men say they want girls with big boobs, big butts, round hips, and a tiny waist. I have huge boobs, very round hips, and a white girl's ass (basically no ass at all). I don't have a long torso. It's basically like...maybe two or three inches between my rib cage and my hips. But society dictates that girls with long torsos', long legs, and small breasts and hips are extremely sex because they fit into tiny, skimpy clothes that make men go gaga. Honestly, it's very degrading that in order to get a man's attention, women today have to dress as sluts and whores.

The pain is lessening now. I feel better somehow...I guess because I'm getting this off of my chest. I'll tell more later.

So much time has past since those high school days. So many things have changed. And who would've known or guessed that these changes would occur? But for whatever reason, they have happened. And there is no undoing them. There is no forgetting them. Ever.

I met someone. I fell in love. I thought he felt the same. Perhaps he did. Perhaps he didn't. *shrugs* I 'll never really know, will I? We were happy at times, and others, we weren't. But it can't be perfect all the time. And certainly, the way it ended wasn't. We shared a lot. We gave ourselves to each other. And he may regret it now...and perhaps he did then, or didn't...and perhaps he'll always regret it...but I don't. And I certainly never will.

But I digress. It ended. And that's that.

I miss my friend. We weren't always really close. And at times, it felt like our friendship was balanced only on a thin piece of thread. Perhaps it always was. We were closer during high school. We looked out for one another, helped each other, laughed and joked and played and shared dreams together. I thought that's how it'd always be. That that's how it should always be.

But in my hoping, I deluded myself into believing that it would never change. And I was wrong. Funny how fate often likes to prove man how little control and power they really have when it comes to life-altering events.

I'm not the same self-conscious, low-esteemed, lonely girl that I was in high school. I graduated. I moved on. I'm older and wiser. And things have occurred that have changed me for forever. I'm stronger, more knowledgeable, (possibly) more patient, confident, self-believing and many other attributes that have come my way. I know who I am now. And who I'll always be. I can't say that I'll never change or make mistakes as the years go on because life changes us every day. We change every day.

I'll always care for the one I loved. I want him to be happy and to have success and have pride in himself. I want a lot of good things for him. To have the best. Even if he doesn't wish the same, but that's alright. It's no skin off my back. But I don't care what he does now. I don't care where he goes or what he sees or says or anything. It doesn't effect me anymore. And should I see him again, the most I'll do is nod in his direction (should I catch his eye) and walk away. I know what I want now. And it's more than he's capable of. And that's alright. I don't begrudge him anything. And at times, it feels like I don't even remember loving him at all. He was first love...but certainly not last. I've learned and moved on. And I can honestly say...in his own way...having this past experience with him, it's helped me to grow. And for that, I thank him.

"Farewell good magician. I will try to go home."

As for my friend...well, I miss her. I miss who she used to be when she was with me. I miss all the jokes we had. I miss how I would try to make her smile when she was down and how she tried to do the same for me. But alas...they are fond memories now. And perhaps one day, she'll be able to laugh with me once more about stupidities in the world. But that'll be a long time off.

People come and go in your life for different reasons and at different times. All of them carrying secret messages that we have to un-bottle or discover so we can learn a valuable lesson and treasure them.

If the two people I mentioned are out of my life permanently...well, I'll remember them and carry them with me always. I'll walk around on the sidewalk in a city when I'm older, having a stable career, and remember them with a fond grin.

And if they aren't *shrugs* Well, only time can tell. Time tells all things as I've heard...my life is a never-ending story right now and each day is a new sentence. We'll all need to heal and learn to grow together to accept these changes and emerge into the world as people who will look upon it and say "I can change this."

I miss my friend, it's true. But I miss even more the friendship that could've been between us. But...I say goodbye.

Goodbye dear friend. For this is the last time I will miss you.

Hey everyone,

Been a while. Just thought I let the general population know that I'm not going into school tomorrow.

I'm really sick; got a fever of 100.7. Surprisingly, I haven't puked...yet.

So yeah, not going in. As much as I am happy about getting a day off to get better and lounge around to watch anime all day, I'm also angry with myself 'cause I have to miss math class. Sucks...

If anyone has Sebastian Compangucci (Sp?) in their classes, tell him I'm sorry that I didn't bring his book back in, that I'm sorry, and that I promise to make it up to him.

Anyways, if there's any well-wishers out there, start wishing for me!

Lots of love and remember to give it all to the world,

K.S.

WOO!!!!

That's right! You eat that turkey! It's good shit!

Anyways, just wanted to say "Happy Turkey-Day" to everyone.

I had a blast up at my aunt and uncle's and at the parade! Major partying everywhere...God, I love New York!

(drool)...ahhh, turkey skin, ahhhh...(more dripping saliva).

Ahem...anyways...

I just wanna say I'm thankful for my friends, my family, the fact that I'm alive, that the world is a beautiful place...and that it's gonna be a Titanic weekend on TNT!!! WOOT!!!

I don't what it is...but I feel connected to that ship...hmmmm...

Well, for those who traveled today, I hope you were all safe on your way to your destination and back.

Remember...just give love and nothing can go wrong!

HEY!!!

I JUST WANTED TO SAY HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY TO MY BELOVED WIFE TODAY!!!

Yeah, today is her birthday I just want to say...thanks...for picking me as your friend even though I'm obnoxious, stubborn, defiant, annoyingly loud, and having the emotional range of a teaspoon! (Kenny, I know you agree with most of em'.)

Oh, since I can't sing it on the phone like I wanted to 'cause I have tons of shit to do right now, here it goes:

1. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, to Katie, happy birthday to you.
2. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, to Katie, happy birthday to you.
3. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, to Katie, happy birthday to you.
4. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, to Katie, happy birthday to you.
5. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, to Katie, happy birthday to you.
6. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, to Katie, happy birthday to you.
7. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, to Katie, happy birthday to you.
8. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, to Katie, happy birthday to you.
9. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, to Katie, happy birthday to you.
10. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, to Katie, happy birthday to you.
11. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, to Katie, happy birthday to you.
12. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, to Katie, happy birthday to you.
13. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, to Katie, happy birthday to you.
14. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, to Katie, happy birthday to you.
15. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, to Katie, happy birthday to you.
16. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, to Katie, happy birthday to you.
17. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, to Katie, happy birthday to you.
18. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, to Katie, happy birthday to you.

Yup, so there's all 18x's for you, Katie. Probably the most creative thing ANYONE has ever thought of...Kenny, don't destroy my dream.

(Huggles you lots) "...you have led a truly horrifying life."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BELOVED!!!

When night is dark and moon old,
When spirits are reborn and magic awoken,
When blessed earth is in our bones,
When ghosts wander lonely grounds,
When the dead find it fitting to visit,
When the wolves howl,
When the bat wings,
When the cold breeze blows with the leaves,
When the witch utters her spell,
When ingredients are added to bubbling cauldron,
When the leaves dance in the shadows,
When the monsters join the living,
When roving eyes do follow,
When the trees flow,
When the ancient spirits rejoin with time,
When the bare branchs sway,

Then I know Hallow's Eve is here.

"A Spell" by John Dryden

Choose the darkest part o' the grove,
Such as ghosts at noon-day love.
Dig a trench, and dig it nigh
Where the bones of Laius lie;
Altars raised of turf or stone,
When th' infernal pow'rs have none.
Answer me, if this be done?

'Tis done.

Is the sacrifice made fit?
Draw her backward to the pit:
Barren let her be, and black.
Cut the curled hair that grows
Full betwixt her horn and brows:
And turn your faces from the sun;
Answer me, if this be done?

'Tis done.

Pour in blood, and blood-like wine,
To Mother Earth and Proserpine
Mingle milk into the stream:
Feast the ghosts that love the stream;
Snatch a brand from funeral pile:
Toos it in, to make them boil:
And turn your faces from the sun;
Answer me, if this be done?

'Tis done.



Just some poetry for my favorite holiday.
The first one I made up.

Blessed be, blessed be! On this, the Witch's Sabbath!

Today, my Aunt Sandy died this morning.

She had been suffering from Alzhiemer's disease for close to six years and she steadily got worse and worse with each day. So much so, that my uncle Manny took her to a nursing home 5 or 6 months ago.

Every day since that time, she still got worse. She couldn't remember her family, friends...how to even keep herself alive. No eating, breathing, thinking...she was completely gone. Vanished. I guess about two weeks ago they put her on a respirator and then the last weekend, she went on a feeding tube.

Yesterday, was their 36th wedding anniversary. Even though she wasn't there, I think she was in a different way. The night before, she had caught a fever and the doctors said she probably wouldn't last through the night, but she did. No words for that one.

Tonight, when I saw the full moon, I asked her to remember the people down here who miss her, especially her soul mate, uncle Manny. I asked her to watch over people I know, friends, family, myself...especially in the future; and to say hi to all my relatives up there.

Even though she wasn't related to me by blood, she was still family to me.

Goodnight, Aunt Sandy.
______________________________________

I also went to Cracker Barrel's tonight.

I had a really good dinner. The sunset on the way to the restaurant was really pretty. Made me think Aunt Sandy was okay.

Anyways, on my way out of the restaurant with my mother, a few tables ahead of me, a nice old man sat in booth at the front of the aisle.

He was drawing on napkin very neatly and I stopped and looked at it for a few minutes, smiling a bit. He looked up at me and smiled back. My mother tugged me away and asked what I was watching as we headed towards the gift shop. I said he was drawing something on a napkin.

A few minutes later, after tinkering with chattering teeth and christmas box/house that had a lullaby in it, a hand tapped me on the shoulder.

It was the old man, with the drawing in his hand. I said, "Ooh!" He handed me the napkin and said, "I saw you looking at it. I wanted you to have it." With that, he walked away and headed back into the restaurant to pay for his tab. My father came back in from having a smoke outside and saw me with the napkin. I told him what had happened and the old man suddenly reappeared just as my mother came back over to us.

I asked him if he was an artist. He told us he was a Vietnam Vet that had been wounded in the arm. He showed us the scar. He said he would've been crippled had he not learned about the therapy of art. He's been drawing a napkins for a long time since it takes such a light touch and concentration of the hand muscle's cordination for that therapy.

The drawing was a bamboo stick with a orchid in front of it and two flowers behind it with a butterfly flying above it. He had signed his name with a lady bug in his cursive "L" and a smiley face beneath his last name. His name is "L. Hunsinger".

We also bought a weasel ball to torture my cat.

The whole way home, I cradled the napkin in my hands and looked up at the moon. The whole way home I could only think of how much compassion there still was in the world and how that moment seemed like something out of a great novel that was about some life lesson.

There's so much love I have to give to this world, and I'm never gonna ask for anything in return. There's still good, I know there is!

OMG, I actually did it.

I went down to the DMV and I was getting ready to take the road test. Low and behold, I found out it was scheduled the 25th...like I told my mother on Monday. Anyways, the people were nice enough to reschedule it today at 3:00.

So, I took the test.

The guy I had...I guess he could tell I was nervous. I was going around the curbs at 5 mph and he's like, "Hun, if you want to pass this test, you have to be going at least 10-15 mph." and I was like, "Yes, sir."

So, the first time I did parallel parking, I totally f'ed up. But he was so nice, that I actually got to do it another 4 x's.

Then I passed.

...I was like, what the fuck?...

O _ O....

Holy mother fuck,...I did it...

I was stunned. So, I stayed around 'till 4:15 to get my license. And...it turns out my signature sucks...but my pic rocks!

SO, then I went to the Home-Coming Football game tonight! It so fuckin' ROCKED!!!

Mike, Vereb, Steve Atkin, Vereb's brother Chris, Blaze, Pat...everybody was there! It was so freakin' awesome. Everyone had such a major blast! Vereb officially has a fan club...But it was all good. Everyone was tackling each other and goofing off. The whole night was just plain awesome. It's something I'll never forget.

So, yeah, today was just a REALLY good day. Long live the coolness! BITCHES COME TO YOU!!!!

(Clears throat)...That's better.

Yeah, uh, I just want to give a shout out to my bestest-bud in the whole wide universe, George!

Today is his 17th birthday (finally...^ _ ^0) and this is probably the last birthday I'll ever be able to notify him of...or celebrate with him...even if it's just a little bit. 'Cause next year we'll go off to different colleges, different careers, and different lives...and probably meet some people, start families, and live in different states or even countries and never once remember who the other once was to us.

So, here's to you, George-y boy! I love ya!

(Holds up a drunk lephrechaun that raises a pint of green beer).

"Aye, to the best (hic), damn (hic) friend a woman (hic) like herself could have. Here's to ya, Geeeorrrgeee!"

(Leprechaun passes out)

...moving on...anyways...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GEORGE!!!!!!

'Cause you know...tomorrow is your happy-unbirthday! If you don't know what that means, look up songs from Alice in Wonderland...don't ask.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN, GEORGE!!!

I LOVE YA, PAL a.k.a. LITTLE BROTHER!!!

...dont' ask why I added the "F*" thing...it just sounds right that way...

And as the title says...I don't want to go back!...(whines)...Goddammit, I have to go back to school tomorrow.

(sigh) No more staying up till 5:30 AM every morning and reading Naruto and Teen Titan fanfics...It's so weird...I hated Naruto ever since it replaced DBZ on Toonami 2 years ago...but now I actually like it because of the couple Sasuke/Sakura...and I swear to God, if anyone says anything against this couple, I will rip out your lungs...and yes, I mean it in that Jack Nicholson, "Joker" way. Plus, I like the pairings of Robin/Raven...and Red X/Raven...hey, they're hot couples...and Raven is a cool chick...Starfire makes me wanna choke a bitch...HA! Take that nee-chan!

So, even though it was kind of boring, I was alone without contact from anyone, didn't go anywhere except an awesome party and a couple of hours in Cape May, and this was the second-to-last summer of my childhood...it wasn't that bad. Next year, I won't live in this house by the end of August...not even in the same state. Man, everything is going to change so much. I mean, yeah, I got a whole year ahead of me, but as they say "Time flies when you're having fun," and trust me, this year is gonna be gone in the blink of an eye.

Geez, almost eighteen years...well, Kenny and Katie will be eighteen by the first two weeks of November...and George won't turn eighteen till he gets into college (snicker)...and me...I'll turn a week before we graduate.

Everything is going to be so different. I've tried talking to my mom about it but she doesn't seemed fazed at all. I don't get it. I mean, I'm not going to live here anymore. I'll come home for the holidays and maybe during the summer if I don't have a job. But all of my stuff will have been moved out except for the furniture. I mean, I won't watch the football season with my father, eat dinner with my parents, see my pets or neighbors, and I won't be able to do anything in my dorm rooms that I used to do in my own home. No more favorite T.V. shows, movies, or people I know. I won't see my family as much as I want to. It's going to be so different.

But the upside is...I won't have to listen to my parents...but even then, I'll miss them hollering at me from the top of their lungs at every disobediant crime I commit.

Wow, this is getting obscenely long. I think I'm gonna stop. Maybe I shouldn't worry about it. But I'm always the only one who thinks about the future. And as scary as I find it, it also helps me prepare for that change. I think too much...

Okay, I'm gonna stop now...Goddammit, I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Even though it's a half a day...goddammit.

Oh Hell Fuckin' F* No!

Sweet mother of God...there's no more pain! (and yes, I say that with an Irish accent)

God bless the morons who came up with the thought of heat working for sore muscles in the mouth after surgery. Tonight I will eat a solid food! Spaghetti! Hooray!

I can move my jaw now. There ARE miracles in this world!

Geez, I was in sooo much pain last night and now I can't get enough of microwaved wash clothes!

I recommend this to anyone on the third day after getting your wisdom teeth out.

God Bless microwaves!!!!

I just had my wisdom teeth taken out on Tuesday. I couldn't be in more pain.

My entire jaw hurts like hell. Not to mention the inside of my mouth where the stitches are.

They gave me anethsisia to knock me out and the first time the dentist tried to stick the damn I.V in me, it wouldn't stay. SO, he tries again, and I swear to God, he didn't use enough of that numbing stuff and I could actually feel the needle go into my vein. It felt so inhumane. I couldn't stop crying and I felt like such a weakling. But the nice nurse lady was a mother and she was so sweet to me. When the surgery was done and I woke up, I couldn't stop shaking and trembling from the A.C. So, the nice nurse lady gave me two blankets and 15 minutes to get myself and surroundings together.

Since my body wasn't used to the anethsisia, it took me the rest of Tuesday (the appointment was at 1 pm and I didn't get out till 3) and all of yesterday just to get over it. I was so tired I could barely eat anything and I just slept and took my medication. My parents were worried. They're so good to me right now. I miss my big brother right now. I wish he were here so he could hold me and just talk to me. That worked once when he visited and I was little and scared of the shadows in my room. But he's not here and all I can think of is the all the times he wasn't there when I needed him the most growing up and I couldn't stop crying Tuesday night.

I was so emotional and I felt so stupid. I realize he has his own life but sometimes it feels like he only comes down here to see our dad. But I just took a painkiller again at 2:46 AM because my ice packs didn't stay cold. So far, it has yet to kick in.

Yeah, I have to wear ice around my face for the first 48 hours and then after 72 hours (today, which is Thursday) I have to start wearing heat packs around my face so the peak of the swelling will go down.

The only things I've had to eat was chicken broth as soup, a milkshake, bad diet jello ('cause dad can't read while shopping), and a pudding. I can't eat solids probably till tomorrow or Saturday or Sunday.

I get an after-operation appointment next Tuesday at 7:30 in the morning just to make sure everything is okay. I'm in so much pain. I just sleep all day.

The good news is that I don't have to go to math tutoring this week. Hooray! Oh geez, I can barely move my jaw. Ow...I just want somebody here with me and I can be held. This really sucks being alone all the time.

Hey everyone!!!

I'm back from my three day weekend with my grandparents! Man, I had such a great time! Hope ya'll missed me!

I think I might be seen in a movie. On my way back home today (my dad picked me up) on the highway, there was sudden shift in traffic and everyone was piled up, bumper to bumper. 15 minutes later, the ass who was causing the problem turned out to be a cab on a trailer truck thing with movie cameras and big canvas-like-screen in front; lights and everything. I was only two cars behind him...so I might be in there...well the car at least! Hooray!

Now I just have to go send money to Thailand and get my backpack for my final year in high school! It's a surprise (wink)!

Oh my fucking lord...(shakes head in hands)

I am such a fucking loser.

I completely failed.

How pathethic does a person have to be to not even make it up and down a goddamn hill? Seriously.

I wasted the whole day. It took me not even ten seconds before I completely failed the test. Now I have to go back and take it over again a little over two weeks from now.

(sigh) I think I wanna shoot myself.

I like sulking. Sulking is fun. Helps me feel more bad about myself.

By the way, what does any think of the name "Vaea?"